Challenges and Opportunities of Middle Adulthood

It's a smiley face! There really isn't a reason for this picture...it's just happy. 

Between the ages of 40 and 65, both males and females tend to have an adjustment to make. These 25 years are described by Brother Williams as Generativity vs. Stagnation. Generativity is the opportunity option of these years, while stagnation is the other option one can take--the challenges. 

There are a few things that come with these 25 years, including, oddly enough, both challenges and opportunities! 

• An empty nest: everyone is gone. Often at this time in life, all of the children are grown up and out of the house, leaving the parents to re-get to know each other and fall in love all over again.
• Financial stability: retirement is looming. During the latter part of these years, the working partner (one or both) are starting to work out financial details and getting close to retirement.
• Travelling/hobbies: the beauty of being alone. All of the children have left the house, and along with that comes the ability travel or work on hobbies that they haven't had the opportunity to in the past. 
• Divorce: the probability skyrockets. A challenge that comes with this age is that often couples divorce because of all of the changes that take place.
• Body changes: it's hard to get used to sometimes. Women start going through menopause, and men start going through their "mid-life crisis," also based around emotional changes. 

There are many other challenges and opportunities that come with this stage in life, but it that would just make this post way too long. The trick is taking on the opportunities and defeating the challenges. Good luck, everybody, with middle adulthood! 

kthanksbye

Tips and Tricks to Parenting

Parenting. It's kind of funny that I'm writing about parenting this week. . .it's not like I have ANY experience with being a parent. Because I don't. Anyway, we did learn a  couple of interesting things about parenting in my class which I am now going to share with the world. 

I am going to teach you about three facts that are important to know about when maintaining a strong relationship but also still keeping to the responsibilities of a parent. They are:

1. Consequences. A lot of the time, parents aren't sure when or how or what to do for disciplining their children. They don't want to be too harsh, but at the same time, they don't want to be too lenient either. Here are a couple of tips about consequences.
   
   Natural consequences are going to come on their own. Depending on the circumstance, sometimes it's best to simply sit back and allow your child to have the natural consequences. However! If the within the situation the natural consequence is too dangerous, too far in the future, or affects other people, then do not allow them to follow through.
   
   Logical consequences are given directly by the parent. These involve straight-forward, simple actions that the parent takes to show the child that what they did was not okay. The problem with logical consequences is that parents tend to "punish" the child, which then instills negative feelings towards the parent. There is a balance when it comes to coming up with a logical consequence. The trick is to find something that logically makes sense. For example, if the child is late for curfew, perhaps a logical consequence could be that they do not get to go out the next night. 
2. Telling your child what to do. Often parents have this mentality that they are the boss and they get to tell their children what to do and when to do it. And you are! But again, it's all about balance. Especially when it comes to adolescents and teenagers. They like to believe they are independent and can choose their own paths in life, which is okay for them to think. For you, it is important to remember to make polite requests, rather than just telling the child what to do all of the time. Turning your command into a question makes them think that it is them being kind and generous. If they turn you down, turn it into a firm request. Keep it at a request rather than a demand at all times, which keeps them thinking they are in control.
3. Always ENCOURAGE your children. No matter what they do or how sassy they are becoming,  encourage them to be good. Encourage them that they can do what they want with their life. Encourage them to be social. Encourage them to get good grades. Encouragement is something that can keep a relationship positive, even when it seems as if it is going completely downhill. So above all else, remember to always always always encourage your child to be the person they want to be. 

Being a parent is difficult. But I believe with the right amount of faith and right amount of help, your children will turn out just fine. They will be great, just like their parents. 

kthanksbye

Daddy's Roles in the Family

Dads. Dads are wonderful. My dad is a huge part of my life, and I am extremely close to him in many ways. Often in society today people tend to lean towards the thought that dads are no longer necessary to raising a child. I'm going to talk about the different roles that fathers have in the family that make them not only a requirement, but a privilege to have. 

1. Dads have the role to teach

There are some skills and different tidbits of knowledge in life that simply cannot be taught by a mother, especially if there are sons in the family. Testosterone, the dominant hormone in males, is not something that can be truly understood by a female. The father teaches control and understanding to his sons when it comes to this part of him. 

2. Dads have the role to be an example

Again, aimed mostly towards the sons in the family, fathers need to show their sons how to be a male. How to act, what to say, what to like, and all of the things that come with being a "man." This knowledge cannot be taught by a mother, no matter how hard she might try. It can be learned eventually, but that might be more pain than it's worth. 

3. Dads have the role to provide

Mothers are nurturers. They love, comfort, protect, help, and so many other things. Their children are dependent on them in so many ways. However, it is mostly the man's role in the family as the provider. Sure, the mom can help too, but the father is and should be the main provider in the home. 

There are so many other reasons why fathers are so important in a child's life. Unfortunately, I do not have adequate space to write and write about how wonderful fathers are, so you might just have to take it from me. Dads are awesome!! My dad is one of my best friends, and I am exactly like him. This is one reason why my heart breaks every time I hear of another child born out of wedlock, or because the girl was drunk or just plain stupid. Fathers are a necessary and significant part of a child's life, and that role must not be taken lightly. 

I understand that in some situations, having a father-figure in the home is impossible. But if we are healthy, married, and have children, then keep that father close, not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children. 

Props to DADS everywhere!!

kthanksbye

Communicating Through Counsel

One of the problems that appears quite often in relationships is that of communication.  When we have a problem, we tend to close up and hide it, pretending as if nothing is wrong.  Unfortunately, miscommunication often destroys relationships and causes distrust, divorce, and dislike.  The best option always is to just be honest with each other. However, there are some solutions to miscommunication within relationships that we can discuss.  This time, I am only going to expand upon one, extremely effective--if used correctly--solution to communication problems.

We will be discussing what is called the "counsel method."

The first step in understanding the counsel method is understanding how communication actually works.  It is easiest to understand through a feedback loop. A feedback loop consists of four "shapes," each leading to the next. It starts out with out thoughts/feelings. We then "encode" these thoughts into something visibly or audibly portrayed, such as speech or body language. This physical "media" must then be "decoded" by the person receiving the media. It is decoded into specific thoughts/feelings in that person's mind, bringing us in a full circle. This is how communication with anyone or anything happens. 

Someone said somewhere that we must "Communicate so clearly that not only can we be understood, but that we cannot be misunderstood."

The counsel method provides a way for us to decode the messages we are receiving effectively as well as encode our own thoughts in order to send a message effectively. What is the counsel method?  The counsel method is when the person starting out with the specific thought talks or "counsels" with his/her respective family members in order to make an executive decision. Sometimes the counsel method is only between husband and wife; sometimes it contains all of the children as well. It all depends on the decision.

The trick with the counsel method is to remember that it is not each family member sharing their opinion on the matter. It is each family member counseling with God and then with each other what they think God would say is best for the family at that time. We are trying to find the best solution, not the solution that is most attractive. God has the best plan for each of our lives, so if we heed to what He would have us do, we will reap the most happiness. 

kthanksbye

Twisted Thoughts

A single thought passes through your mind as you stare blankly at this confusing page. Then another. Then another. I don't know what you are thinking, but you are thinking. Each and every one of us thinks, whether it is through a normal or abnormal process depends on the person and situation. The problem comes when our thoughts become confusing or not comprehensive. Have you ever been in a situation where your thoughts become muddled and your heart races? A friend or family member is physically in trouble, or perhaps you simply have thoughts of that friend or family member being in trouble? We all have dreams like this. We all have real-life situations like this. The real question is: How do you think calmly and clearly in these kinds of difficult situations?

A couple of different options are available. We must become aware of our thoughts. Breathe. Close your eyes and just breathe. Then carefully sort through your thoughts and become precisely aware of what they all are. How do you feel? What are your worries? Why are you worrying? The trick is to identify each strand of thought, like picking out different colored threads from a clump of them. What is the thought and what made you think it. Become aware of what it is you are thinking.

Another option to untangle our thoughts is to--once we have picked out the different strands and have become aware--assess the untruthful thoughts. Ask yourself, is this worry plausible? Is it true? And if it is not true, replace it. Replace it with something true. Now there is something to look out for during this process. Our untruthful thoughts are often unpleasant or negative, which means that often when replacing these untrue thoughts, we tend to replace the thought with something more positive. The positiveness is okay; however, we need to be careful not to replace the negative, false thought with a positive, false thought. That is counter-productive. Make sure the replacement thought is true first, then worry about whether or not it is positive. 

These are the different ways untwist your foggy, confusing thoughts in difficult situations. But one thing to remember: DO NOT "cope" ineffectively. This is often our first instinct, but it is wrong. Some ineffective coping mechanisms to look out for: drugs--specifically, marijuana and alcoholic drinking. These are the world's way of coping, but it is not the right way. Instead, use the steps above to conquer your fears and untwist your unyielding thoughts. You can do it. I believe in you!

kthanksbye

The Woes and Wonders of Sexual Relations

I am not exactly sure what kind of a picture I can post. This topic isn't exactly image-friendly...but maybe I'll find a good one to go with some analogy that I come up with that I can stick in the middle somewhere. I guess we'll see.

So you may have guessed from the title the purpose of this post. Let me just clear one thing up that may or may not be questionable: I am single. I am not married, nor will I marry in the next year, probably (one can never say anything for sure). I do not have personal experience in this subject. There, now that we have that out in the open, let's get down to business.

In class we talked about a lot of things, but the most interesting aspect of a sexual relationship in my personal opinion is the psychology of it all. The physical portion is not the only part of a sexual relationship. It also includes the emotional part of us and the spiritual part of us. I have noticed from the different perspectives given in class that the emotional portion of a sexual relationship is often the most prominent. The physical stuff is the easy part--we humans are meant to be good at it; to have sexual relations be emotionally pleasing, however, could be a little trickier. Emotion is directly connected to the brain--although everything in our body is. However, pleasing the emotional parts of the brain is more difficult than the pleasing the part of the brain connected to physical pleasure. Becoming emotionally attached requires time and effort on both parts, which not every person is willing to put forth.

The other part of sex is the spiritual part. God gave us the power to procreate actual human beings, and this is not a responsibility we should take lightly. He gave us the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth," and then gave us the tools to accomplish this commandment. It is an act of spirituality: creating a body for one of Heavenly Father's precious spirit sons or daughters to reside in. I would say that most people in the world do not understand this concept. A lot of the world believes it simply to be an act of physical pleasure. They do not comprehend the emotional and spiritual aspects of having a sexual relationship with someone.

This is one of the reasons why sex should be reserved for marriage. With marriage often comes knowing the person and love of the person already, which is a good start on the emotional part. All three parts of sexual relations are easier to please within the bonds of matrimony.

Well, there ya go. My thoughts on the different parts of sex, mostly coming from my professor. But that's okay. Here's a picture of a field of grass for your pleasant enjoyment:

kthanksbye

Marriage...or Not?

A wise man once said, "Mahwiage. Mahwaige is what bwings us togever. Today." Marriage is a hot topic in the U.S. right now. Do you ever wonder why? Marriage itself hasn't changed too much from the beginning of time. Or has it?

Have you noticed any of the trends that are appearing? Let's talk about some of the major ones. We have the age at which people are getting married. In the world, women are generally getting married at around age 26, while men are a couple of years older, around 28. If you recall, in the earlier centuries, early marriage used to be a sign of status. If you were a woman, you would want to marry as early as possible in order to have someone to provide for you and give you a place to live. In the LDS community, the ages are a couple of years earlier, but not much. LDS women tend to marry around age 23, while men tend to marry around age 25. Even the LDS society is following the same trends as the world.

Getting married later is not the only trend appearing in our country. For some, the decision to marry is not even an option in their minds. Why tie yourself down to one individual when you can remain free and with as many people as you want your entire life? There are many different reasons people are no longer choosing to marry in this life.

For one, women are now financially independent: they have the education and the means to provide for themselves. This no longer gives them a reason to have a steady man in their lives. People have discovered cohabitation, the act of living together without any marital bonds. More and more people are cohabiting instead of marrying. Fear is a big stumbling block for many people when it comes to marrying. Men can be afraid that they won't have the means to provide for a family. Women are afraid that they will no longer have any freedom. People are afraid of families, and the effort and exhaustion it takes to raise children. It is no longer convenient to marry. It is actually more convenient to remain unmarried. And then there is the social factor. Back in the day, it used to be socially positive to marry young, or to marry at all. Now, many people have decided marriage is no longer socially acceptable. 

Marriage is hard. But it leads to amazing things. It gives you one person that will always be there for you, a permanent love relationship. It allows for children to be brought into the world. It creates families, which as we know is what populates the world. I, for one, am ecstatic to marry one day. I am excited to start a family of my own, and to have someone that will always love me. 

I've heard the saying, "My husband has never done anything to make me wish for a divorce. Murder, yes, but never a divorce." Marriage is a challenge.

Challenge accepted.

kthanksbye

True Love at its Truest

Love. There are so many different definitions of love. . .it's hard, sometimes, to know exactly which one is right. Which one is right? The world defines love in a completely different way than it once was defined as. The world believes that love comes with physical attraction and lust. The world believes that "making love" is the foundation for love. I have some news for everyone: INFATUATION is not LOVE. 

I can see your faces now. What does that mean? What is infatuation? Aren't they the same thing? How do you know? How about I break it down for you. "Love" is confusing in the English language, mostly because we only have one word for it, while other languages have several words for the different types of love. This is why we are going to borrow from the Greek language for a second. Greek has four different words for love, and I believe that the four words in Greek are what it really means to "love" someone in English. True love cannot come without each of these other types of love.

The first is what, in English, we call "infatuation." The Greek word is Eros. Eros is passionate love. It comes with sexual desire and longing, and has to do with physical attraction. Eros is the kind of love that the world in which we live knows best. Don't get me wrong--eros is important. But a relationship needs to be based on more than just eros. I believe that in order to work best, a relationship needs each one of the four Greek words for love. Relationships need eros, but cannot survive on eros alone. 

The next Greek word for love is Agape. Agape is one of the hardest loves to achieve, and some people might suggest that it is the most pointless of the four. Agape is described by Christians as the unconditional love of God. It has to do with loving someone even if they don't deserve it. It is a deeper love than eros, and is truly a Christ-like love. It is the love we have for someone even when we don't like them at a particular moment. This love is also essential for a healthy relationship.

The next of the four Greek words for love is Philia. This love is only gained through getting to know the person; it takes time. Philia is friendship and affectionate regard we have for someone. It is the love that we have for our friends and colleagues. The world is far from perfecting this kind of love in that the people do not even recognize it as a type of love. To the world, philia is non-existent. However, what kind of a relationship is one without friendship? In the case of many people, they marry their best friend. And that is how it should be. Being friends with and being able to talk to the person you are in love with is highly important for a relationship to work.

The final Greek word is Storge. Storge is the kind of love that parents feel for their children. It is a natural affection that every human being is born with. It is the kind of love that makes it possible for a parent to do anything for their child, to love them enough that they would sacrifice their life so that their child could live. This is one of the purest loves, and is incredibly important in a working relationship. 

You may be inclined to go against the things that I have said here. You may instinctively want to go against the fact that each one of these different loves is needed for a relationship to work. Do you know why this is your first instinct? Because it's hard work. But it makes sense. In order for it to be true love you need to be friends; you need to be able to sacrifice for one another; you need to be attracted to each other physically; and you need to be able to love them no matter how many times they or you mess up. It's an amazing plan. And it works too. If only the world knew this, then maybe it would understand that looking amazing is not all that matters. True love matters.

kthanksbye

Puzzle Pieces

Puzzle pieces are made to fit together. In my family, we LOVE puzzles. Every Christmas we receive a new one and start on it, usually 1000 pieces (I'm actually not a huge puzzle person. . .but enough about me). Sometimes it can be hard to find the right pieces that fit together, but they always will. There is never an extra piece. The interesting thing about puzzles is that it is only the pieces of that puzzle that fit together. If you were to take a Lego piece and try to fit it together with a piece of the puzzle, SURPRISE--they wouldn't fit together. This is how the makers of the puzzle meant it to be.

The people on this earth often try to take matters into their own hands. God makes everything a certain way--so that it all fits just right--and humans often don't take that into consideration. Let's take the process of marriage as an example.

Marriage is defined by God as being between a man and a woman. Each gender has very specific roles that God gave them. This is the puzzle that God created, with each piece fitting precisely and perfectly with the next. I mean, let's face it: men and women complete each other. As hard as we try to deny it--oh we don't need them. . .we're independent. . .I can do it by myself--the qualities and traits of each gender precisely and perfectly match up with those of the opposite gender. 

Then you have this world. "I am my own person!" one might say. "I don't need God's plan! Mine is better!" (Which it's not, by the way.) We have these people who decide that they have feelings for a Lego piece, and even though they will never fit together as completely as they were meant to with their respective pieces, "It feels good." It feels good? Is this what our world has come to? It feels good. It looks good. It tastes good. It sounds good. It's all about the physical senses, now, and it's disturbing. What happened to listening to the Spirit? What happened to following the perfect plan that God created for us? 

I understand that nobody is perfect. I understand the there are those in this world who have trials--trials that you or I could never even imagine--and God will help them. But that depends on how devoted these people are to having and maintaining a relationship with Heavenly Father. I understand that these trials exist, but don't ever forget that there is still that other piece, waiting. Waiting for you. There is someone out there that completes you precisely and perfectly. You just need to go looking for them.

kthanksbye

Culture: To Each Her Own...Or So They Say

For the moment, ignore this. You'll get it later.

Culture. What is culture? I am Caucasian, LDS, and have been home schooled most of my life. What changes do these facts have on my culture? I'll put it in simple terms: I haven't known a lot of violence in my life; in fact, any violence at all--even in the movies--startles the goodness out of me. I expect and love large families. I have grown up with the idea that large families are what God has commanded us to have, and it just makes sense to me. I have been fairly protected from the crude things of the world, meaning that in general I am more sensitive to crudeness than much of the world. Many other people I know do not know these same truths.

There are so many different combinations of cultures in this world that it would take me all week just to name off half of them, so I hope that what I am about to say does not offend anybody. It was not meant to.

Let me lay out for you a few ground rules that I have come to know:

1. Everyone is different. Each person is their own person. We all have our different morals, families, beliefs and, of course, our different cultures. I understand that we all think and act, well, differently. 
2. God gave us commandments. As a Latter-Day Saint, I know and understand that the commandments that our Heavenly Father has laid out for us are simple. They tell us exactly what to do and what not to do. We can find them in the scriptures--the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants and the Bible. 
3. There are no excuses, especially if you have already come to know God and Christ. 

Many of us believe that when it comes to culture, whatever goes, goes. It is not culturally acceptable to have a large family, therefore, we won't. It is not culturally acceptable to not drink alcohol at a wedding, therefore, we must. It is not culturally acceptable to marry before getting comfortable in our careers, therefore, we can't.

It is almost a natural feeling to say, "Well, it's a part of our culture. We have to."

Well, when it comes to the commandments, I have learned over the years that this is not an excuse. Heavenly Father and Christ will hold us accountable for our imperfectness unless we first repent. I have found that we are like a kite. If we were to let go of the string attaching us to Earth's surface, thinking it would free us from all bonds, we would not fly. We would fall. It is the string, the commandments, that is holding us up, not keeping us down.

We were not sent here to judge our fellow brothers and sisters, and I hope that is not what you got from all that I have just said. I just wanted to bring to light these facts that many of us don't think of until it is too late.

kthanksbye

The Family: A Chocolate Chip Cookie

Have you ever heard the saying, "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts?" When I first heard this saying, it really made me think. How can this be possible? 2+2=4. How can you add two "numbers" and get a larger number? It never made sense to me. Until it was compared to families.

It was like a light bulb just exploded inside my head. It made me think about my own family. We have the flour, the eggs, the baking soda, the salt, the butter, the brown sugar, the chocolate chips, the sugar, and the vanilla (there are actually more people than that in my family...but there are only so many ingredients...so...). Each by itself is good, maybe even great (you can guess which ingredient I am ;D), but when added together and mixed, one of the most delicious concoctions to ever be eaten on this earth is created: a moist, perfectly golden chocolate chip cookie.

I love to play soccer. I played for eight years, and enjoyed every second (mostly). At my games I played fairly well, maybe even great; but without my family there, cheering me on, embarrassing me, I would have just been two cups of chocolate chips. With them there, the entire game turned into a chocolate chip cookie. This is so important to me because many of us (like me) don't understand the concept of a whole being greater than the sum of its parts. We need to understand. Many parents don't go to their children's sports games (some can't, which I understand) because they don't understand the incredible desert they could turn the game into. Physically, children (and parents) need that cookie. Emotionally, it is even more important to show them that love. 

The teenager that barely speaks to his mom when home from school. The father that just has too much work to do. The sister that thinks only of herself. We are all guilty of these things, we are human after all, and  I am not saying that we have to be perfect because that would be unrealistic. All I'm saying is to be AWARE. That is the key word, right there. To be aware is to understand that becoming a family chocolate chip cookie is challenging, it takes work, and you need all of the ingredients or it will just taste wrong. But to be aware is to desire to become that cookie, everyone working together to become something beautiful, wonderful, and well-worth the work and the wait. 

I, for one, love chocolate chip cookies. So let's make some.

kthanksbye

Kids are Diamonds

Over the centuries, the Earth's population has been steadily increasing. Children were considered assets to the community, providing workers for on the farm or in the factories, help around the house, and of course the joy that children are. These days it's as if kids aren't worth the price! It makes me crazy! As you can see, above there is a very fine picture of a sparkling diamond. You may or may not be asking yourself: Now Self,  what could be the reason for a diamond in both the title and actual post? How about I provide the answer for you. 

As it states in the title, Kids are Diamonds. Well, in our current society they are anyway. Back in the past, children were  like winter coats: warm, useful, and well worth the price. However, our society has slowly been degrading the awesomeness of children. I mean, look at a diamond. It is beautiful! It sparkles! It is so crazy expensive that we all want to pull out our hair! And let's be honest, it really has no use. In a documentary titled, The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter found on BYUtv, the interviewees responded to why people were having less children with, and I quote, "Children are too expensive." 

Why. Why would society do this to the innocent image of children? How are we supposed to keep up our population if people are refusing to have children, or even get married altogether? Yeah, I am talking to all of you who think that children are "too expensive." Oh and by the way, I lied above. Kids are most definitely NOT diamonds. They are more like strawberries. You probably want me to explain that. Strawberries are sweet, not-too-costly, and absolutely delicious. You can use them for many things, for example a smoothie! I suppose if you glance too quickly without actually noticing what it is, a strawberry could look like a diamond. You know, just like sometimes a delicious Dove chocolate bar could be taken for nasty cow pies. But whatever. Everyone has their opinion. 

My final advice: I am not a mother; but I do know that kids are worth so much more than they cost. Don't give up on them just because they can be messy every now and then. They'll love you unconditionally, it only makes sense to give them a chance. 

kthanksbye

Me, Myself, and I

As an assignment for my Family Relations class, I created this blog. In the future I am going to post quotes, thoughts, insights, hopes, dreams, goals, and counsel on marriage and family life; however, because this is my first post (yes!) I might just tell you about, wait for it...me! Oh and maybe a little bit about my own family. I suppose.

The above picture is my beautiful family. You might ask, why so bright? So random? So MANY OF THEM?! Many people ask questions like this all the time. Instead of answering these slightly irrelevant questions, I am just going to tell you a little bit about them. My parents (I hope you can identify them...although I know it's hard to tell) are the two at the top. My brother and I are the oldest (yes, we're twins) with me in the middle and Jacob on the far right. Next is Daniel, two years younger and the only one with blond hair. Then Josh (far left), Adam (next to Josh), Beth (under Adam), Jeffrey (in between Jacob and Daniel) and finally princess Anna (in between the 'rents). I know, fantastic right?

Now a little about me, then I'll let you go. I (on the right) have curly hair. Normally. I know, my straight hair in this picture is confusing. Anyway, I am 18 years old and am currently attending BYU-Idaho (hence this blog). As mentioned above, I have a twin brother (my best friend, duh). But I also have many other best friends, including (but not limited to) these fantastic five. Kajsa, Ann (bottom two) and Camrie (above me) were my roommates of last semester (my first). Kiara (next to Camrie) and Tara (under her) are besties from  below. They are all simply incredible!

A couple of more things (last ones, I promise). I love to bake! Above you see our creative license being taken with chocolate brownies and white chocolate chips. I also love sports like soccer, basketball, volleyball, badminton, etc. I love children! My major is Child Development with a minor in Psychology. I also took four years of French in High School (random fact).

Well, now that you know WAY too much about me, I will bid you adieu. Till next time, and next time, it is going to be SO much more relevant to my assignment.

kthanksbye